The Detroit Lions As Performed By Avenged Sevenfold
By Jeff Risdon
In the aftermath of the Detroit Lions losing 17-14 at Chicago, I did what I often do to soothe the pain. I put on the headphones and cranked some angry music up to 11.
This week’s artist of choice was Avenged Sevenfold. I saw A7X in concert a couple weeks ago, and the headbanging energy and intensity they brought to Van Andel Arena proved the perfect tonic for the awful taste the Detroit Lions spat in our mouths Sunday.
So many of Avenged Sevenfold’s songs speak directly to Lions fans. With an appreciative nod to Synyster Gates and his bandmates, here’s a sample of why the Lions are So Far Away from being a good football team.
Nightmare
There is no other word better-suited for the Detroit Lions miserable effort in Chicago than nightmare. And Avenged Sevenfold perfectly captured the sentiment in their classic Nightmare,
Beyond the will to fight
Where all that’s wrong is right
Where hate don’t need a reason
Loathing self assassination
Loathing self assassination. I had no idea lead singer M. Shadows was a Lions fan, but he nailed the Detroit Lions dismal 2016 campaign right there. Between the early drops, the ongoing issues with penalties (10 more in Chicago) and the continuing defensive mental errors, these Lions are masters of pointing the gun straight down instead of at the enemy.
It’s tough to win in the NFL when you’re Buried Alive. It’s even tougher when you’re the one doing the digging. No team does this more consistently than Jim Caldwell’s Detroit Lions.
Afterlife
One of the most tender songs in the A7X catalog, Afterlife features a line that fits Golden Tate nicely after a game where he was effectively benched after poor effort on a couple of routes.
“I don’t belong here, I gotta move on dear”
Tate’s bad route at the end of the second quarter forced an interception. After the play, Stafford looked as if he was ready to send Tate to the afterlife, screaming at the veteran wideout and shaking with anger.
Lions fan have a word for Tate’s bad game…Lionized. We’ve seen numerous players drift into that afterlife, a zombie-like state where the paycheck remains the same but the corresponding effort progressively diminishes.
To Tate’s credit, he dialed in nicely on the successful 2-point conversion. That was one of a limited handful of second-half snaps. Hopefully it brings him back from the edge of the Lionized abyss.
This Means War
It’s time to openly declare war on Head Coach Jim Caldwell. While the Detroit Lions have myriad problems, the man in charge of solving them on the field is Caldwell. And right now he’s a drummer who can’t keep a beat, let alone execute the thundering double-bass roll Brooks Wackerman plays in this epic call to arms.
More from Lions News
- Top 5 revenge games on the Detroit Lions 2023 schedule
- Lions center Frank Ragnow optimistic about continuing to play through toe injury
- Detroit Lions 2023 preseason schedule: Dates, times and opponents
- A new contract extension projection for Lions quarterback Jared Goff
- Louis Riddick thinks Lions wide receivers will be fine without Jameson Williams
Caldwell’s battle cry is discipline and respect. It was a refreshing change from the bombastic favoritism of Jim Schwartz back in 2014, but the general no longer commands the respect of his troops. His complete inability to prepare his team for battle was painfully evident at Soldier Field.
Once again the Lions came out flat and listless. You would think facing a divisional opponent with an injury list longer than A7X’s typical 150-minute setlist would fire the Lions up. You would be wrong. Caldwell’s unchanging demeanor has the sobering effect on the players of a funeral dirge. Players want to take the field brimming with confidence and eagerness to destroy the enemy. Jim Caldwell’s Lions come out as if they’re ready for a 2-hour lecture on the socioeconomic impact of invasive species in the Great Lakes, not ready for a heavy metal concert or a critically important football game.
Sometimes generals need replacing in war. Detroit Lions GM Bob Quinn must realize Caldwell is more George Custer than Douglas MacArthur.
On any given day, I’ll take it all away
That lyric should be Jim Caldwell’s coaching epitaph.
God Hates Us All
That’s the way Lions fans must feel after Sunday’s humiliating loss to the injury-ravaged Chicago Bears. Why can’t Detroit have just one game where everyone performs to their potential, from the coaching staff to the quarterback, from the kick returner to the backup defensive end?
You’re forgiven for feeling cursed, Lions fans. When will it be our turn to proudly scream Hail to the King to the conquered masses lying bloodied and defeated under our feet?
It won’t be 2016. It certainly won’t be with Jim Caldwell as the bandleader.