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Detroit Lions playoff chances: Ebenezer Scrooge meets the Grinch

By Payne Schanski

LONDON - OCTOBER 27: Actor Tommy Steele poses at a photocall to promote his role as Ebenezer Scrooge in the new stage version of 'Scrooge' at the London Palladium on October 27, 2005 in London, England. The limited season will run from October 20 to January 14, 2006. (Photo by MJ Kim/Getty Images)
LONDON - OCTOBER 27: Actor Tommy Steele poses at a photocall to promote his role as Ebenezer Scrooge in the new stage version of 'Scrooge' at the London Palladium on October 27, 2005 in London, England. The limited season will run from October 20 to January 14, 2006. (Photo by MJ Kim/Getty Images) /
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Reading the local media’s recent take on the Detroit Lions’ playoff chances feels like a conversation between two of Christmastime’s greatest villains.

In skimming through the Detroit Free Press, I’m finding that their Detroit Lions beat writers aren’t giving a whole lot of respect to the team’s playoff odds. Despite the two recent wins, Jeff Seidel says they’re merely treading water, while Carlos Monarrez is even less optimistic.

I’m not going to say that either one of them is wrong. With it being Christmas season though, the two of them put together almost feels like listening to the Grinch and Scrooge talk Lions football. If you’re looking to dampen your holiday cheer, there’s no better way than being  a fly on the wall of Scrooge’s dingy London flat when the Grinch swings down from North Whoville for the evening.

Ebenezer Scrooge: The Detroit Lions’ playoff chances are dead, to begin with. The register of their burial was signed by losses to the Vikings, Panthers, and Falcons many weeks ago.

Grinch Christmas: In Honolulu Blueville, they like their chances a lot,

Of making the playoffs, although you do not!

Scrooge: There’s more plague than playoff about them, whatever they are!

Grinch: Yet the Blues down in Blueville, they fight and they try,

Their hopes of post-season, keep refusing to die.

Scrooge: If they would rather die, they had better do it, and decrease the surplus population.

Grinch: I’ve done it for 60 straight years, and I vow,

I’ll stop them from breaking their curse. Ahh, but how?

Scrooge: Your heart is two sizes too small…a fine man indeed! I’m reminded of an old colleague of mine.

Grinch: Two measly wins, yet they show their excitement,

“A late playoff push”…what a stinging indictment!

Scrooge: A late playoff push. Humbug.

Grinch: Still their fans fill Ford Field, lest their eyes fail to see,

Yet another comeback win, from their franchise QB.

Scrooge: A poor excuse to pick a man’s pocket every contract year. If I had my way, every idiot who goes around with “Stafford for MVP” on their lips should be boiled with their own pudding, and buried with a stake of holly through their heart.

Grinch: They’ll happily pay Matthew, if he becomes a winner,

That’s what they want most, you covetous old sinner.

Scrooge: They can keep Christmas in their own way, and I’ll keep it in mine. A fine way to fritter away the mortgage money.

Grinch: Well don’t ask me why, for I don’t know the reason,

But they’re holding out hope for another ten win season.

Scrooge: These fools need a visit from the Ghost of the Past more than I do.

Grinch: To steal their Christmas, I can show you the way,

Whether down in Cincinnati, or at home with Green Bay.

Scrooge: Might as well have it be Green Bay then, you’re green enough.

Next: Top Five Video Game Detroit Lions of All Time

Grinch: A loss at Ford Field over New Year’s is a cinch,

If Aaron Rodgers can’t ruin things, just leave it to Grinch!

Scrooge: You should make those termites in your smile pay you rent.

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