It’s mid-October, after weeks of learning to mambo, foxtrot and salsa. Calvin Johnson decides that dancing isn’t for him anymore. He starts showing up to his rehearsal practices in cleats, and on performance night his dance concludes with him snagging a touchdown over the judges. Completing the process of the catch of course.
Then the very next day, as the Lions practice, number 81 in Honolulu blue shows up, taking everybody to school. All of the sudden every media outlet in the U.S. goes wild. They forget about debates, they don’t fall in love with big guys in red sweaters and they all run headlines like “Calvin’s dancing back to Detroit.”
The NFL creates another “Calvin Johnson rule” (this one also making no sense of course) allowing Calvin to come back to Detroit and not count against the cap so his massive cap hit worry stays in the past. The media asks him why he came back, after being so certain he would be gone forever, and he simply gives his trademark smile and walks away.
Then Sundays start to come and go, each week players and fans marvel at what a beast Calvin still is. His dancing days gave him quicker feet, causing cornerbacks to stumble right at the line. And new Matt Stafford and Calvin without the most dangerous tandem on the field. Calvin, feeling so fresh from not taking a hit this season, goes up and gets every single ball with ease. Throw it up to Calvin becomes less of a prayer and more inevitable.
Ford Field fills with 81.2 jerseys, as A.D. (after dance) Calvin is the same man as before, yet his game is very different.
Each and every week, Calvin reaches the end zone, looks to the sky, and busts out a new dance move. Goodell doesn’t know how to handle it; he can’t fine a man who moves so flawlessly. And thus, because he can’t show favoritism, decides to eliminate the excessive celebration rule after a touchdown. Allowing every Sunday to become about the end zone celebrations more than the scores. Players rejoice chiming in on their love for Calvin on Twitter, as he has made the NFL fun again.
The season ends with Calvin hoisting up the Lombardi trophy, taking a lifetime of sadness off of every single Detroit Lions fan in existence. The Calvin monument goes up in Detroit, standing 50 feet tall and made of pure gold. The city and all of its woes disappear. And finally, Detroit comes back for real.
So maybe I’m crazy. But then again maybe I’m right. The NFL with Calvin wouldn’t just benefit Detroit, but the entire league, making Sundays fun for the whole family.