My name is Big Al, and I refuse to play Madden 09
By Zachary Best
The big story in the sports blogosphere today has nothing to do with the the Detroit Lions (yeah, right), the NFL, MLB, Olympics or even the police blotter. Instead, we’ve been overrun with Madden-Mania.
Yes, the overpriced and over hyped game sports geeks have hard-ons for has once again hit the streets. It’s Madden day! Madden 09 here!
Big fucking deal. Seriously.
If there is a God, let the Madden Curse do its thing one more time
I don’t play Madden. Haven’t in years. In fact, I outright refuse to play Madden. Why? I’m glad you asked, as I have 10 reasons:
10. I’m not eager to be pwned 59-3 by a 12 year old with the gamertag “FartBubble69” who plays Madden 10 hours a day, 16 hours on the weekend, even when he uses the Raiders and I have the Patriots. I may suck, but I do have my pride.
9. Same goes for being trash talked by children. I’m not all that enthused to be called an asshat n00b (and much, MUCH worse) by some 13 year old with too much time on his hands, and a vocabulary that would make a Navy sailor cruising brothels in the Philippines blush.
I just beat your @#$+!<*% ass 107-2, you @#$<?+={%&# n00b!
8. There are more controls and button combinations involved in playing Madden than needed to fly a jet fighter plane. When did having 3 hands and 15 fingers become a prerequisite to play video games? I have enough going on in my life without having to memorize what 5 buttons I need to push simultaneously just to make a juke move.
That 10 year old who just humiliated you? He was using this…
7. I have too much Chris Collinsworth in my life as it is, with his being part of the gang of 15 doing NBC Sunday night games. I don’t need that pompous ass calling me out in a video game as well.
6. I’m sorry, but paying $60+ on a game that only offers refreshed rosters and incremental “improvements,” that are dubious at best, over the previous year’s edition is unmitigated stupidity. EA is taking you sheep to the cleaners, then going to the bank, laughing all the way.
They’re headed to GameStop…
5. John Madden was once the most entertaining and informative broadcaster around, but he’s been mailing it in since Bush 41 was in office. He’s not even trying anymore. Forking over my hard earned money for something with that washed up hack’s name on the box is only encouraging him to continue working, instead of riding the Madden Cruiser into a long overdue retirement. Even worse, I’d bet Madden has never even played the game bearing his name. He wouldn’t know an Xbox from Brett Favre’s jock.
What in the Hell is a PS3? Is that like the AIDS?
4. EA is a reprehensible corporation who have singularly driven gaming down to the lowest common denominator. I remember the days when an EA game was considered the best on the market. But now? Whenever a better game is released by a competitor (Remember the great NFL2K series, anyone?), you’d hope EA would just improve their own game. Everyone’s happy, right? But that’s too damn hard! They would rather use their Scrooge McDuck-esque wealth to gain exclusive licensing deals, essentially removing the competition from the market with the stroke of a pen on a check with more zeros than crooked numbers. EA is right up there with the cable TV cartel, Wal-Mart, Haliburton and sub-prime mortgage lenders in their innate evilness.
Evil Empire, indeed…
3. I still have a PS2, not a PS3, Xbox 360 or Wii. I know, I know, you can call me a Luddite. But I do have a state of the art desktop PC with a nice video card and a pair of monitors. Maybe I’ll give Madden another chance, and…What? EA discontinued Madden on the PC? The bastards! I told you they were evil. Never mind…
2. I have much more important and adult things to do than play kid’s games. Like what? I..uh…blog. OK, let’s forget that one.
1. Because Madden 94 on the Genesis was the best Madden ever. I only needed to push 3 buttons and a single D pad to get my gaming jollies. Sometimes, simple is better…And more fun. Plus, Barry Sanders was unstoppable!
The gold standard in gameplay