| # | Team | Pick | |
| 1 | Detroit Lions (0-16) | Matt Stafford QB (Georgia) – |
This will be met with a resounding *thud* as Lions Fans that know a thing or two about football will smack themselves on the forehand with the emotion. D’oh! We will scream “You’re supposed to take Andre Smith you morons!” and casual, typical Detroit fans will go to the team website and buy a “Stafford” Jersey. 2St. Louis Rams
(2-14)Andre Smith OT (Ala’bamy) –
Laughing hysterically, the Rams will wonder what the hell the Lions are doing, skip up the steps to the podium and do a cartwheel back to the table while the GM breaks open a bottle of decent tequila. They can finish the draft drunk, as there is no possibility of a ‘bad draft’ after being given this gift.3Kansas City Chiefs
(2-14)Mark Sanchez QB (USC Trojans) –
This pick will be delivered with a broken pen, so the ‘Z’ on the card will be all blotchy and runny. Pioli is going to be pissed. He probably wanted Stafford, but Sanchez will have to do. The Chiefs have a legitimate need for a passer to develop, and Sanchez is a late entry and under developed; QB’s that leave early don’t often do that well, but Pioli is going to have a system in place in a few years and frankly, the team isn’t as bad as that record. Or he’ll draft Curry or one of the solid tackles in this draft. 4Seattle Seahawks
(4-12)Micheal Crabtree WR (Texas Tech)
The ‘hawks will be addressing a serious need and this kid is seriously talented. 5Cleveland Browns
(4-12)Aaron Curry ILB (Wake Forest) –
With a new coach that wants to run the 3-4, the Browns will be looking to shore up the linebackers. Shaun Rogers will haze the rookie by eating all of his cake and ice cream during team ‘cake and ice cream unity’ parties. 6Cincinnati Bengals
(4-11-1)Michael Oher OT (Ole Miss) –
With change needed, the Bengals aren’t as clueless as the Lions and will select the next best Tackle. With a sizeable line, your skill positions will flourish and you will make the playoffs. However, the Lions will sell more ‘Stafford’ jerseys than ‘Oher’ jerseys. 7Oakland Raiders
(5-11)Jeremy Maclin WR (Miss’ura) –
With Crabtree gone, the Raiders will be itching to make yet another bad decision. Russel needs someone to throw to, right? Then McFadden will run all over the place. Right. They are the Millen Lions of the West Coast. Kalimba Edwards will welcome the rookie with cookie crumbs in his athletic supporter. 8Jacksonville Jaguars
(5-11)Eugene Monroe OT (Virginia) –
With Gerard running like a scared man all season long (except for his carving up of the Detroit Lions in that 40 something to whatever murderfest at Ford Field, the Jags will look to shore up their offense line.9Green Bay Packers
(6-10)Malcolm Jenkins CB (Ohio State) –
Woodson is getting old at 33 and stopping the pass seemed to be an issue for the cheese heads. The Packer nation will cheer and spill cheese and beer all over the clothes they wear, purchased from the tractor supply store.10San Francisco 49ers
(7-9)Aaron Maybin DE
(State Penn … er.. Penn State) –
Mike Singletary is the new boss and he is going to want a nasty, vicious pass rush. This young man will need some development, but his sacking skills will do well under a Singletary Defensive scheme and will likely look better in a suit with white sneakers on. 11Buffalo Bills
(7-9)Brian Orakpo DE (Texas) –
The Bills couldn’t make enough pressure on opposing QB’s. With Curry snatched up, this is the best choice on the board for them. The ghost of Thurman Thomas will cause a fumble of the draft card. Bill’s fans know how that goes on the big day. 12Denver Broncos
(8-8)Rey Maualuga ILB (USC Trojans) –
What was Denvers problem this year? They experienced a late season skid because they couldn’t stop the run. The kid with the name that’s hard to spell will fall into their hands and he will be managed by the guy that wore the silly suits on the side line. Though, I do admit, despite not really fitting in, Nolan looked pretty snappy. 13Washington Redskins
(8-8)Jason Smith OT (Baylor) –
It will be talked about that Smith has fallen this far and the Skins will gobble him up. Mark Ripen will have a smug sense of self satisfaction that day as someone might know who he is. That’s a joke people… I’m kidding around Mark! Nobody knows who you are, they are googling it right now. 14New Orleans Saints
(8-8)James Laurinaitis ILB (Ohio State)
Saints may have trouble keeping Jonathan Vilma and they need to shore up their Linebackers anyway. 15Houston Texans
(8-8)Vantae Davis CB (Illinois) –
The Texans had a great deal of trouble stopping other teams in the air this year, they even got stuck in a shootout with the Lions (briefly), this player will fall into their hands.
16New York Jets
(9-7)Everette Brown DE (Florida State) –
With the new title of merely “Second Most Questionable Firing” now deemed upon them in the wake of the Gruden firing, the Jets will be looking to beef up their pass rush. 17Chicago Bears
(9-7)Percy Harvin WR (Florida) –
The Bears need people to throw the ball to, plain and simple. Percy will help them as a solid possession receiver. 18Tampa Bay Buccaneers
(9-7)Chris Wells RB (Ohio State) –
Cadillac Williams can’t stay healthy and in the league of running backs that don’t last very long, its time to reload the set of legs from the ____ formation (whatever the hell offense the new guy is going to run).19Detroit Lions
(9-7, Pick via Cowboys)Brian Cushing OLB (USC Trojans)
With any premium Offensive Linemen picked clean, the Lions will look to the other side of the ball and hope for value in the OT position in the deeper rounds. In any event, we need Linebackers. And Cornerbacks. And Safeties. And… well, everything. 20New England Patriots
(11-5) B.J. Raji DT (Boston College)
Because they are the damn patriots and not only are they getting a good value here in the “just barely didn’t make the playoffs” section of the draft, they will turn him into a superstar one day off in the future because they get guys to play above their heads. 21Philadelphia Eagles
(12-5; Pick via Panthers) Brandon Pettigrew TE (Oklahoma State) –
Philly needs a big man that they can throw to and count on to pick up a block or two. 22Minnesota Vikings
(10-7) D.J. Moore CB (Vanderbilt) –
Not only does Minnesota need more consistency in it’s cornerbacks, it couldn’t hurt to have an extra set of legs on special teams. Moore has some solid return skills.23Miami Dolphins
(11-6) Duke Robinson G (Oklahoma)-
Coming off a big comeback season from the bottom of the NFL, the ‘phins will seek to continue shoring up their O-line to buy Pennington more time after the snap.24San Diego Chargers
(9-9) Knowshon Moreno RB (Georgia)
Sadly, LT is probly done and Sproles is hitting a free agency year where more desperate teams with throw bags of money at him to come play for their crappy team25Atlanta Falcons
(12-6) Tyson Jackson DE (LSU) –
Atlanta’s biggest issue this season was stopping the run and pressuring the passer, there is solid value here with the bulk of the NFL having offensive needs this year. 26New York Giants
(12-5) Peria Jerry DT (Mississippi)-
If there aren’t any wide receivers that stand out in the combine with long limbs and quick feet and miraculously fall this far, the Giants will look for a big man with fast feet.
27Tennessee Titans
(13-4) William Moore S (Missouri) –
Facing free agency depletion on defense, the Titans will be looking to reload their squad. 28Indianapolis Colts
(12-5) Sean Smith CB (Utah)-
Phil Rivers cut the Colts up in the air and they need to address that issue with speed. 29Philadelphia Eagles
(11-6-1) LeSean McCoy RB (Pitt)
Westbrook spends a lot of time injured. The Eagles need bodies at this position.30Pittsburgh Steelers
(13-4) Max Unger C (Cal Bears)-
Pittsburg is a well oiled machine, but depth in the offensive line never hurts. 31Arizona Cardinals
(11-7) Phil Loadholt OT (Oklahoma) –
If the Cards don’t look to shore up their line, they will look to address their Running Back situation, but we’ll have to wait for the combine to see if any stars arise out of the blue.32Baltimore Ravens
(13-5) Hakeem Nicks WR
(North Carolina) –
The Ravens are facing a crisis with receivers next year as Mason ages. Nicks will be there. Not one of the studs of the draft, but still a fine athlete
Don’t be shocked that I have the Lions taking a QB. I don’t agree with it or think its a good idea, I have entire posts on that. But it’s probly going to go down like that. Maybe we’ll get lucky and they’ll stick with defense. I doesn’t matter who, just make sure they’re good. We have so many issues with talent that need to be addressed, we need to acquire players in bulk and replace well over half the roster.