We have met the enemy, and he is Matt Millen
By Zachary Best
For most of my life, being a fan of the Lions was tough. Damn tough. But we thought all those losses to the Vikings, Packers and Bears built our character, and allowed us to appreciate the occasional winning season that much more. Over the decades, there were more downs than ups, but there were ups.
Joe Schmidt had the Lions on the verge of being very good, especially the 1970 team. Unfortunately, he threw up his hands in frustration, unable to work with the Lions’ GM, and Ford ass kisser, Russ Thomas. Schmidt walked away from the game, soured on football for good.
Monte Clark took the Lions to the 1983 playoffs, only to lose to the then upcoming 49ers, thanks to 5 Gary Danielson interceptions, and an Eddie Murray 43 yard field goal attempt going wide right in the game’s final seconds. I still see that kick in my nightmares…
The patron saint of my other blog, Wayne Fontes, actually took the Lions to the 1991 NFC Championship Game. They were absolutely destroyed by the Redskins, but at least the playoffs became a semi-annual event during the era of the Big Buck.
But the very occasional one and done playoff appearance wasn’t enough for we fans, or the cursed William Clay Ford. After narrowly missing out on a playoff berth by losing to the Bears on the final play of the 2000 season, (Damn you, Paul Edinger! Damn you to HELL! And take Stoney Case with you!) enough was enough. Tired of year after year after year of near .500 mediocrity, and encouraged by Bill Ford, Jr., Ford the elder decided to blow up the Lions as we currently knew them.
And his solution as to what ailed the Lions?
Matt Millen.
Yes, the scourge of all things good and holy, Matt fucking Millen. William Clay Ford, in his effort to save his team, instead, though we didn’t know it at the time, destroyed it.
The Fords hired a man whose only experience in a front office situation was singing contracts as a player. A man who was a very good linebacker, an even better broadcaster, but totally untested as a GM. But at the time, we fans bought into it, as we were desperate for change. Millen wasn’t the same old, same old. He came in fresh, free to start over from scratch with a team that needed to begin anew.
Flash forward to 2008…
What resulted from the front office massacre of January 2001? 7 straight losing seasons, 6 with double digit losses, and a contract extension for the know-nothing dumb ass Millen.
Meet SideLion Report’s public enemy number 1…
Matt “fucking” Millen
You are to ridicule on sight!
Just the mention of Millen’s name causes a vein to pop in my forehead, my blood pressure to spike, and go into fits of rage. Others mumble incoherently. Many fans curl up in the fetal position, and sob uncontrollably. Some gave up, and began to root for other franchises. (The fucking cowards!)
Over the past 8 years, it’s become us vs. him. We are at war, and Millen is the enemy. We want him gone, he refuses to leave, and the Fords continue to whistle by the graveyard.
The fans are at wit’s end. We’ve marched in protest, worn the opposition’s colors, walked out of a game en masse, stopped buying tickets, began the “Fire Millen” meme, and voiced our immense displeasure with the incompetent moron at every opportunity, on the web, in print and over the airwaves.
Despite all the attempts of a fan led coup d’état, all that resulted was Millen literally going into hiding. Even during the 6 game winning streak last season, the absolute high point of the Millen regime, our mentally challenged GM was nowhere to be found. In fact, the bane of my existence hasn’t uttered a peep during this off season. We all know why. Millen refuses to face the media, and by proxy, the fans, because cannot defend a single, solitary thing he’s done since he’s come to Detroit.
Every coach has been a failure…
Marty “The bar is high” Moronweg was a massive flop. “Take the wind” my ass.
Steve “It’s Joey’s fault” Mariucci was a used car salesman masquerading as a football coach. “Wet toast” offense, indeed.
Rod “Pound the rock” Marinelli looks like a coach, which is all you can say about him to this point. Saying “pound the rock” over and over doesn’t make him anything more than an in over his head position coach who spews meaningless platitudes. “Pound the rock?” Pound this, you asshat!
The drafts have been just as bad, if not worse…
Joey Blue Skies.
Charles “Cheech” Rogers.
Mike “I’m not fat, I’m big boned” Williams.
Brian “I was a 3rd round pick? Really?” Calhoun.
Drew “I was a 2nd round pick? No f’n way!” Stanton.
Free agency? Oh my God…
Bill “Matt Millen made me a millionaire” Schroeder.
Damion “I’m not fat, I’m smaller than Mike Williams” Woody.
Az “As long as Mike Martz has a gig, I have a job” Hakim.
Dre’ “Get me the fuck out of here” Bly.
Fernando “Wind burned” Bryant.
Jon “I’m a turnover machine, but that’s OK, as I’m going to Heaven and you’re not” Kitna.
I’ve just scratched the surface of Millen’s missteps, miscues and fuck ups. Which leads me, in my verbose, roundabout way, as to what the mission of SideLion Report will be under my leadership. To spread the anti-Millen gospel. To bash Matt Millen unmercifully, enough to make the porn ‘stached goon cry. To document every screw up, every bad contract, every God awful draft pick. In other words, to get that clueless assclown known as Matt Millen fired!
Matt Millen, the clock is ticking. You are on notice.