Kirby Lee/Image of Sport-US PRESSWIRE

The Super Bowl represents the ultimate game for football fans. It also represents the ultimate social event for millions of Americans that otherwise couldn’t care less about football. It is likely that millions of people, particularly women, will watch their first NFL game of the season tonight.

While that typically leads to a series of facepalms for the football fan, I have given the topic some thought.

Who’s Playing?
If you’re reading this blog then there is no way you don’t know who is playing in the Super Bowl tonight. While it might seem unfathomable to some there really are people out there that don’t know and I’m beginning to see the merits of such ignorance.

How they get it right: The only way to not know who is playing in the Super Bowl is to somehow avoid two weeks of over-saturated media coverage of the country’s most popular sports league. That is a skill and certainly one I have come to envy. ESPN reached the point where they set up a tug of war somewhere in Connecticut this morning between Giants and Patriots fans. Now we know what happens when the media runs out of predictions from every celebrity under the sun. That means we are at least two steps removed from anything relating to the game that I have any interest in whatsoever. I would have gladly sacrificed the good information from real football people if it meant sparing me from the celebrity opinions and general nonsense.

Who to root for?
As a Detroit Lions fan, I’ll be watching this Super Bowl as a neutral observer. I really don’t care which team wins and it has no effect on the Lions whatsoever. One woman told me today that should would root for the team with the best looking uniform.

How they get it right: You haven’t been in enough March Madness pools if you haven’t lost to a woman who made her picks based on something like mascots or school colors. As someone that doesn’t care who wins, I guess it might as well be the team with the better uniform or the better looking players since they’ll be plastered all over every newspaper, webpage and television screen.

It’s a social event
Men tend to be much more isolated creatures. We’re perfectly fine with watching a game by ourselves or in complete silence, save for the occasional grunt, with a couple friends. That doesn’t work for women, who I’m convinced brought about the modern day Super Bowl party as a way to spend an evening with friends that otherwise would have been lost.

How they get it right
Of course, the food and drink selection in that scenario leaves a lot to be desired. I know there are a lot of men that know their way around the kitchen but by and large, a woman’s touch adds quite a bit to the Super Bowl spread.

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That’s Jay Cutler

Possibly, as it would be implied by the article and the pictures, under the influence.

now this:

Orton. Clearly under the influence as well pointed out in the pictures.

You can compare the two, obviously because of the trade and all. But…WHAT ABOUT THE GLORY?

Look dudes, I’m a Lions fan and we were 0-16, including that last handing over of the ass by the Bears in week 17.

But in this arena? WE GOTCHA. Got it? We win with our master challenger, Matt Stafford.

He has partied longer, he has partied harder and he has bagged WAYYYY hotter chicks.

My case and point:

win

win +5

So drunk that you need to hold onto the grass to keep from falling off of the Earth. WIN.

moar win

OH, and here is his main squeeze before the Lions contract (she’s above on the left):

Cutey Pie Au Naturel. But we have the technology…

After the draft:

That’s right ya’ll… After Market Accessories.

Right here and now I would like to point out how much I hate people that call them “Fake”.

They are not fake. They are right there. They are real. They are not philosophical huge breasts, they are in fact augmented, glorious orbs with which to gaze upon and are existing right here in reality for you to paw at like a hungry bear. Don’t call them fake. You make every man that loves taters die inside just a little bit, so seriously, shut up.

And let’s point out something about Matt Stafford that makes me warm and rubbery about him being on my team… Loyalty.

He didn’t scrap his car when he got the money. He upgraded it. He got that check and said, MAN I LOVE THIS THING, let’s trick it out with the DVD Navigation and premium sound system. It still steers awesome, I don’t need a new one, I just need to reupholster the seats! Good man. I’d want that guy in my corner when they pull the plug on me.

All fun aside, I’m liking Stafford more and more. Yeah, he laid a steaming pile on the field in Cleveland but he’s a newborn. We’re not going anywhere and we got him instead of Offensive line protection so screw it, start him and let’s see where it goes.