FIRST QUARTER

On the Lions first posession, quarterback Matthew Stafford hooks up with Calvin Johnson on a beautiful 60-yard touchdown strike. Its nullified due to a Jeff Backus holding penalty. Several Lions fans have to be restrained from jumping onto the field to physically assault Backus for his miscue. Backus blames his lack of concentration on the fact that his alma mater was crushed for the sixth year in a row by Ohio State just a day earlier.

Shaun Rogers sacks Stafford and draws cheers from the Lions crowd. Just watch, it will happen. Detroit fans miss Big Baby and would certainly welcome him and his attitude back to town. Rogers does his “big dog gotta eat” sack celebration made famous in the Denver rout several years ago. Lions fans smile and remember the good ole days when they were 6-2 and had a shot to make the playoffs.

SECOND QUARTER

Brady Quinn is absolutely leveled by DeAndre Levy. Quinn is slow to get up. Both Detroit and Cleveland fans cheer in unison. Browns coach Eric Mangini looks like a pissed-off asshole. Detroit coach Jim Schwartz smirks.

Josh Cribbs enters the game and lines up in the wildcat formation. Cribbs shreds the Lions defense for a 40-yard touchdown run. Stan Kwan lets out a huge sigh of relief as his special teams unit is not the one getting torched by Cribbs.

Kevin Smith repeatedly runs right into Rogers. Big Baby gobbles up the Detroit run game and the boos start to rain down in Ford Field.

Halftime score — Browns 7 Lions 0

THIRD QUARTER

Cribbs receives the kickoff to start the second half and jets for an 80-yard return. Lions wild man Zach Follet runs Cribbs out of bounds, but also throws him into the Gatorade jug in the process, earning an extra 15 yards for Cleveland. From the 5-yard line, Quinn lofts a nicely thrown fade to Mo Massaquoi for a touchdown. Lions fans become irate because its the first fade route thrown in the city of Detroit since Herman Moore laced ‘em up for the Lions. Further amplifying the crowd reaction is the fact that Massaquoi is a former teammate of Stafford’s and would have a built-in rapport. Oh, he would also be the second-best receiver on the Detroit roster. (shakes head in shame)

Stafford throws an interception. Scwartz smirks. Mangini looks like a pissed-off asshole.

FOURTH QUARTER

Jason Hanson kicks a 52-yard field goal after a Lions drive stalls due to a false start penalty on Backus. Stafford finally gets pissed at the old vet and can be seen yelling at him on the sidelines. Fans watching at home react with glee. Fans at Ford Field cheer loudly for Hanson, by and large the only player on the Lions roster worthy of fan respect.
Quinn throws a pick to Louis Delmas in Browns territory. Delmas returns to the 10-yard line. Stafford finds his favorite red zone target, Will Heller, on a nicely threaded pass to cut the deficit to 14-10. Lions have the momentum, but fans know better than to get too excited. A big gaffe is looming.

Detroit has the ball with less than a minute and half to go at the Browns 45-yard line. Stafford has plenty of time to work his team into position for a chance at a game-winning TD. On 3rd-and-8 from the Cleveland 24-yard line, Rogers jumps the snap count with absolute perfect timing and disrupts the exchange between Dominic Raiola and Stafford. And Rogers recovers the fumble. Ball game, Cleveland wins.

Lions fans laugh it off as another karmic bitch slap in the face.

It started before kickoff when Louis Delmas’ tooth infection kept him on the bench for the entire afternoon. That was a serious setback as Marquand Manuel had to fill in at safety and the combo of Manuel – Ko Simpson were very much responsible for Vikings receiver Sidney Rice going virtually undetected for 201 yards total in the contest. An endless array of injuries throughout the game left the Lions with only four healthy players able to play in the secondary in the fourth quarter. Starting offensive guard Stephen Peterman also went down with what appeared to be a semi-serious lower leg injury when he was rolled up by the Vikings rush.

And what a rush that was. Just ask Matthew Stafford. He was hit or on the ground on at least 70% of his dropbacks. The kid might need a flak jacket next week, because he really took some punishment against the dominant Minnesota front four of the Williams Wall, Jared Allen and the severely underrated left end Ray Edwards. Edwards terrorized Gosder Cherilus all day and Jon Jansen couldn’t slow down Edwards when Cherilus left with an injury as well.

Stafford needs help up front. He has no time to deliver the football in the right spots because the offensive line is imploding around him on every play. Its imperative that Detroit seeks as much line help in the 2010 off-season as possible. Through the draft and free agency, the Lions must do whatever it takes to create an NFL-caliber unit on the O-line. Despite being harassed all day, Stafford performed admirably (hey, at least he didn’t throw an interception). A plus in a day with a ton of minuses.

If the Rams lost to Detroit, they would be in danger of being the second team in as many years to go winless during the regular season. Of course Detroit, the team that holds the dubious distinction of being the first 0-16 team, would graciously gift St. Louis a win so that the Rams would avoid a similar fate. Thats just the way Detroit rolls. Its fate that they would give away a game to a team in such dissarray. It helps the Rams avert disaster and keeps Detroit in the record books as the most un-perfect team of all time. Yeah, that sounds about right. The maxim that a bad Lion team will help another bad team become less worse should be called Millen’s Law.

Detroit had two weeks to prepare for the game against St. Louis and the Lions knew if they could stop one player, Ram running back Stephen Jackson, they had an excellent chance to cruise in this ballgame. Unfortunately if there was a defensive gameplan to stop Jackson, it was scrapped sometime right before kickoff at Ford Field as Jackson ran for close to 150 yards and picked up two TDs, including the game-winner with less than 2 minutes to go in the contest.

Fans should put this loss squarely on the coaching staff for not preparing adequately and having the team come out flat with no emotion whatsoever. Defensive coordinator Gunther Cunningham had no answer for Jackson and couldn’t sustain any pressure on Ram quarterback Marc Bulger, arguably one of the easiest QB’s in the league to corral due to his lack of mobility and a bad St. Louis offensive line. Special teams coordinator Stan Kwan probably (hopefully?) sealed his fate when Detroit succumbed to a fake field goal that resulted in a touchdown in the second half. The trick play wasn’t even that tricky. The Lions simply got caught flat-footed and paid the price. Again, with 14 days to prepare for any such tomfoolery, the special teams unit failed horribly at recognizing what St. Louis was doing. Offensive Scott Linehan called a dreadful game, although his gameplan certainly wasn’t helped by the number of dropped passes the Lions receivers muffed and the stop-start, indecisive running by Kevin Smith.

The loss to St. Louis was the first game in which Detroit head coach Jim Schwartz should clearly take some heat for the overall performance of the squad. In previous losses this season, its been a talent issue. But the talent was leveled against St. Louis and the Lions should’ve had the upper-hand. Instead, the coaches misfired in all aspects of the game and the Lions are facing the gruesome outlook of staring at a potential 1-15 season. Excuse me while I go puke.