How A Lions Fan Would Improve the Detroit Lions
By Al Stahl
As a fan of the Detroit Lions, I thought I’d do some thinking and see what solutions I can come up with on how to improve the 1-3 Lions a quarter of the way through the season.
After the Lions eked out a miracle victory Week 1 in Indianapolis, Detroit has dropped three straight against the *gulp* Tennessee Titans, Green Bay Packers and Chicago Bears. What I’m saying is the Lions, they’re not good. So let’s fix them!
Head Coach
It all starts with the head coach. Let’s start lopping heads off of this hydra. So let’s fire Jim Caldwell. See ya Jim. Who should we replace him with?
Sure Matt Patricia and Josh McDaniels are obvious choices because everyone automatically assumes Bob Quinn will only hire Patriots people because everyone is boring and stupid.
So we’ll leave the Patriots alone for now. I say we go out and get Jim Harbaugh. I’m sure he would love to leave his alma mater where he has a cushy bajillion dollar job and the admiration of twenty somethings for 500 miles in all directions just so he can be booed out of town after the Lions’ first consecutive losses of the season. Plus, he’d have the added bonus of having to work underneath a general manager and ownership. It definitely wasn’t a problem last time.
If Harbaugh’s not man enough to take a much worse job for about the same amount of money and a lot more stress, the Lions can look at hiring Jon Gruden, a guy who has been out of coaching for like a decade, barely speaks coherent english, and makes more watching one football game a week than he would coaching one football game a week. Blake Bortles Blake Bortles Blake Bortles Blake Bortles.
So now, either way, we have our surefire, can’t-miss coach. And if all else fails, we can hire Bill Cowher. Or Marv Levy.
Good start.
Offensive Line
The offensive line is improving every week or something. Pretty soon they will be a top 25 unit, and not long after that, they should be at least average. One thing we can do to speed up the process: get Laken Tomlinson a Segway. If Tomlinson plays on a Segway, he would be unstoppable. Imagine him making contact with his defenders without his footwork getting in the way!
Running Backs
The Lions have the best running back in the game. Theo Riddick is undervalued. He’s amazing as a pass catcher that also isn’t good at running the ball. Exactly what you look for in a running back. He’s like if Adrian Peterson and DeMarco Murray combined and then also only played wide receiver. Best of both worlds.
But what if he gets hurt? The Lions need to use their first two draft picks on Leonard Fournette and Dalvin Cook. Thunder and lightning. Y’know? Like a STORM? Unstoppable. 16-0 might be possible.
Wide Receiver
Marvin Jones Jr. is super awesome. He’s like Optimus Prime to Calvin’s Megatron. I just thought of that. It’s mine. You gotta give me credit if you use it.
Golden Tate Sr. needs to be traded because we can’t afford to have guys on our roster that are even physically able to make mistakes. Gotta send a message. Trade him to Siberia so he can think about his mistakes. Maybe if the trade includes rental property in Florida, we can use it as leverage to lure Harbaugh away from Ann Arbor.
Defensive Line
Haloti is Ngata getting any younger (again, that joke is copywrited*). This defensive line is terrible! They can’t sack the quarterback because there’s all these guys in front of them blocking them from getting to him. And when the other team just runs the ball, we’re like, “hey! right this way!” It’s like c’mon! I got an idea – knock it off!
Gotta get better imo.
*I will sue you.
Linebackers
I’ve got one word for you: Adamantium.
Wolverine is never on IR. I’m just sayin’.
Secondary
I know what you’re gonna say. You’re gonna say “Man, we cannot clone Glover Quin. We can’t clone humans, human cloning doesn’t exist yet.”
Fair point.
BUT, what if that’s just what they want you to think? Think about it. With all the money the Fords have, how could they NOT have cloning machines? You think Martha Ford is really 91 years old? How many Lions fans do you know that are 91?
Not many huh? Facts are facts. Boom. Lawyered.
That’s what I would do, but I’m just a fan.