In the spirit of Inauguration Day and the fact that the Fords are loathe to fire anyone who is still under contract, lets presume that Martin Mayhew and Jim Schwartz are being inaugurated for another four years at the helm of the Detroit Lions.
That really isn’t much of a stretch of the imagination. For one, the Fords keep everybody around too long and are the last ones to know that somebody needs a change of address. Of the ten teams that had the worst records last year, the Lions are the only franchise of the ten to NOT replace a General Manager, a Head Coach or a Coordinator. It stands to reason that the Fords are not going to make any changes anytime soon.
The vision comes into one’s mind with ease…
Outside of the Lions complex stands a podium with Martin Mayhew standing on one side, and Bill Ford Jr. standing on the other side. With the Lion faithful of 13 strong, braving the cold weather as witnesses, Mayhew places his hands on the Lions playbook and takes his oath:
“I, Martin Mayhew, take this oath to run the Lions to the best of my ability. I swear to not take huge risks on high draft choices, be it a physical or mental problem. I swear to do my due diligence on low round draft picks, so they can contribute in their rookie seasons. I will take a hard look at my roster, and cut some guys that I play poker with. I will personally visit every draft choice at home to see if he has any skeletons in his closet. I will hire a chauffeur service to see that my guys get home safely. I will not draft players with fake girlfriends, no matter how much sense it makes in the second or third round. Finally, I will not draft an offensive player, (even if he is greased lightning from Ann Arbor) in the first three rounds. That is my solemn promise as General Manager of the Detroit Lions. Thank you.”
The crowd claps as Mayhew leaves and Schwartz replaces him to take his oath.
“I, Jim Schwartz, take this oath to run the Lions to the best of my ability. I swear not to chase down any more coaches after the game, no matter how rude they are to me. I will make sure that my center will know the plays in overtime from now on. I will not tolerate any more false starts from my offensive lineman, or they will be banished to the end of the food line. No more quiet time when a player breaks the rules. That player will soon understand the meaning of discipline when he has to write something on the chalk board a hundred times. I will say something of substance at least once a press conference, from now on. I will try to let some of my natural personality come through from now on, instead of acting like it’s not even close that it’s so obvious I’m the smartest guy in the room. That is my solemn promise as Head Coach of the Detroit Lions. Thank you.”
The crowd disperses, but not before someone in the crowd yells “Please, for the love of God, just win a playoff game!”