Since the Detroit Lions’ terrible 2012 season ended last week, I was able to finally enjoy a nice Monday afternoon nap. For once, I wasn’t spending another Monday walking around the house, pissed off about another Lions loss. Once I fell into a deep sleep, I had a dream about seeing a letter that Matt Millen wrote to his protege Martin Mayhew. As soon as I woke up, I raced to the computer and put down the letter as best I could remember. It went something like this…
Dear Martin Mayhew,
Marty, How have you been? I know you’re feeling a bit down right now, what with the 4-12 record you guys just posted. Don’t worry, be happy! That taste of vomit in your mouth from being a loser in your own sport only lasts a couple of weeks. By the time the Senior Bowl parties start up in late January, you’ll be back to your old self; trust me.
First of all, don’t worry about your job security: 4-12 is nothing. I can do 4-12 standing on my head. Mr. Ford is the greatest boss of all time. You have to practically go Nolan Ryan on Rory the Lion on Thanksgiving Day in front of the whole country to be fired on the spot by the Lions. Mr. Ford likes to think he’s one of the guys. Just make sure you leave him laughing after those meetings with him on the Monday after a game and he’ll think you’re the greatest guy in the world. He also doesn’t like confrontations. You know how I got that contract extension when everyone thought I’d be fired? I just avoided him for a couple of weeks, and presto, somebody slipped a contract under my door. Anyway, after getting to the playoffs last year, something I never did, I would assume you’re good for at least a decade or two.
Let me move on to the roster you’ve put together. I can see you’ve learned from the best! After all, I did draft a certain receiver named Megatron, who’s certainly headed to the Hall of Fame. That was a really tough call. Remember, I wanted Gaines Adams in the worst way but you guys said go with the wide receiver from Georgia Tech. Then you guys wouldn’t let me out of the bathroom until I changed my mind. Man, the good old days–we had fun back then, didn’t we Marty? Or the time in 2006, when the third round came around and we had no idea what to do, someone in the back of the room yells out, “Brian Calhoun!” We said “What the hell, lets do i!” Man, was Marinelli mad at us.
With all of those unsigned free agents you have, you’re going to have the chance of a lifetime to wheel and deal your way back to a good record. On top of that, you have wide receiver needs again. How great is that? Nothing like drafting a receiver in the early rounds to get the blood flowing, kinda like the smell of napalm in the morning.
I have faith that you’ll have a great off-season and bring the Detroit Lions back to respectability in one short year.
If you need any help with that number 5 pick, let me know, I have access to all of ESPN’s files. Can you believe I have a job being a paid football expert after what I did to that team? LOL.