Detroit Lions Accepting Applications For Open Positions

Now Hiring: Personnel that are interested in turning the Detroit Lions’ season back around to make the playoffs.

Available positions are as followed:

Disciplinary Coach
In an attempt to regain face after back-to-back embarrassing games, the Detroit Lions should look into being the first NFL team in history to hire a coach in this position. 22 penalties for 189 yards in the past two weeks against the Packers and Saints, and the latter being one that could have been won. Stupid personal fouls after the play, offensive interference, holding, the list goes on and on. They wasted nearly an entire length of the football field in each of those games. They have a Secondary Coach to defend the pass, an Offensive Line Coach to protect the quarterback, so if they hire a Discipline Coach, he should help cool off some of those hot-heads, right? Right? Candidate should have extensive experience in meditation and slowly counting to ten.

Kicker
Jason Hanson, where art thou? This is back-to-back games where he’s missed the uprights: once against Green Bay and twice against the Saints. Granted, those were all from pretty good distances: 47, 42, and 55. And the 42-yarder was blocked on what looked like an offsides against New Orleans, but STILL. You’re our Rock, Jason. We’re not used to these kinds of things coming off of your right foot, and in games like this you have to be clutch. Don’t make us bring in one of the Gramaticas (Bill and Martin, if you’re reading this, don’t call us, we’ll call you).

Fullback
Does anyone miss Cory Schlesinger or Tommy Vardell as much as I do? Or even Jerome Felton for that matter? Back in the days when fullbacks held some value in Detroit, I remember the big guys opening up small lanes for Barry, but then Schlesinger or Vardell would blow it up and make Barry look sweet. I know Scott Linehan would rather go singleback with either three wide receivers or two tight ends, but I think it’s worth a try. Jahvid Best could work out of the backfield without a guy leading the way, but Kevin Smith has injury problems, and Maurice Morris and Keiland Williams are no Jahvid Best. Time to get the ground game back on track (somewhere Rex Ryan is nodding wryly).

Motivational Speaker
If you can say the right things to get people’s motors going early and often, this might be the job for you. Part of the problem the Lions have been experiencing in their losses is that they fail to get on the board early. While they didn’t do this against the Saints, there’s nothing more depressing than waking up Sunday and waiting for the big game, only to see your team go three-and-out on its first possession. Over the past four games, the Lions have mustered a measley 27 points in the first half of those games combined. I know it’s a long game, but maybe the Lions should take a page out of the Patriots’ book and go no-huddle for a few drives in the first two quarters. Then again, if we can find a suitable candidate to motivate these guys, that point is moot.