NFL Commissioner For A Day

Given the Lions bye week, I thought I would take the opportunity to look at the NFL and make a few “tweaks” that see as necessary. I am going to call this “I Am the All-Knowing, All-Powerful Commissioner of the NFL” segment.

First, I am going to fine Ndamukong Suh, just on principle. I mean, I know he didn’t do anything wrong last week, but I am kind of in the habit of it now, and it is hard to stop. It is kind of like ripping on people from Ohio – you know it isn’t right, but it just feels so good. I am also going to fine any player in my league who did anything in violation of the Personal Conduct Policy in college. I mean, if I can suspend Cedric Benson, who was not a union member (union was de-certified), not a signed player (he was a free agent), and while the player was locked out, I can suspend anyone.

Secondly, I am going to eliminate that silly rule about hitting a quarterback below the knees. Last I knew, quarterbacks wore helmets and pads for a reason. I know that Tom Brady lost a season because of this, but guess what? Sometimes quarterbacks get injured, as everyone in Detroit knows. I know Roger Goodell wants to get to the point where the popular guys are wearing flags and the scrubs aren’t, but I believe in uniform enforcement of football rules.

Speaking of the uniform enforcement of rules, all teams without cheerleaders must get cheerleaders. Interviews/dance-offs can be conducted in my office if needed. And there will not be a different set of OT rules in the playoffs than in the regular season.

Thirdly, I am going to make a pass interference call 15 yards and a first down, not a spot foul. It seems like we have handicapped our DBs enough in our fervent quest for more ad revenue/ticket sales/merchandising scoring, but I think this is one place where the college game gets it right.

I would not only allow celebrations in the end zone, I would encourage them. The fans love it. I know the defensive players probably won’t like it as much, but if they are that worried about it, just stop your guy from scoring.

I would make field goal kickers wear helmets with a full face shield, not the silly single bar across the front. You look ridiculous.

I have several other rule changes as well, but I am going to keep those to myself to mystify the fan base – like the rule on what determines a catch in the endzone.

I know all these rule changes might seem like I am abusing the power of being The All-Knowing, All-Powerful Commissioner of the NFL, and you would be right.  I mean, what fun is power if you can’t abuse it?


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