Sunday Spoiler: Browns vs. Lions results

My how these franchises have fallen. Once mighty football superpowers in the 1950s, the Detroit Lions and Cleveland Browns have been suffering ever since JFK became President. With both teams sporting inept rosters and 1-8 records, there isn’t much to look forward too in Sunday’s contest. If you feel like skipping the Sunday affair, I don’t blame you. I’ll fill you in on the details that will transpire.

FIRST QUARTER

On the Lions first posession, quarterback Matthew Stafford hooks up with Calvin Johnson on a beautiful 60-yard touchdown strike. Its nullified due to a Jeff Backus holding penalty. Several Lions fans have to be restrained from jumping onto the field to physically assault Backus for his miscue. Backus blames his lack of concentration on the fact that his alma mater was crushed for the sixth year in a row by Ohio State just a day earlier.

Shaun Rogers sacks Stafford and draws cheers from the Lions crowd. Just watch, it will happen. Detroit fans miss Big Baby and would certainly welcome him and his attitude back to town. Rogers does his “big dog gotta eat” sack celebration made famous in the Denver rout several years ago. Lions fans smile and remember the good ole days when they were 6-2 and had a shot to make the playoffs.

SECOND QUARTER

Brady Quinn is absolutely leveled by DeAndre Levy. Quinn is slow to get up. Both Detroit and Cleveland fans cheer in unison. Browns coach Eric Mangini looks like a pissed-off asshole. Detroit coach Jim Schwartz smirks.

Josh Cribbs enters the game and lines up in the wildcat formation. Cribbs shreds the Lions defense for a 40-yard touchdown run. Stan Kwan lets out a huge sigh of relief as his special teams unit is not the one getting torched by Cribbs.

Kevin Smith repeatedly runs right into Rogers. Big Baby gobbles up the Detroit run game and the boos start to rain down in Ford Field.

Halftime score — Browns 7 Lions 0

THIRD QUARTER

Cribbs receives the kickoff to start the second half and jets for an 80-yard return. Lions wild man Zach Follet runs Cribbs out of bounds, but also throws him into the Gatorade jug in the process, earning an extra 15 yards for Cleveland. From the 5-yard line, Quinn lofts a nicely thrown fade to Mo Massaquoi for a touchdown. Lions fans become irate because its the first fade route thrown in the city of Detroit since Herman Moore laced ’em up for the Lions. Further amplifying the crowd reaction is the fact that Massaquoi is a former teammate of Stafford’s and would have a built-in rapport. Oh, he would also be the second-best receiver on the Detroit roster. (shakes head in shame)

Stafford throws an interception. Scwartz smirks. Mangini looks like a pissed-off asshole.

FOURTH QUARTER

Jason Hanson kicks a 52-yard field goal after a Lions drive stalls due to a false start penalty on Backus. Stafford finally gets pissed at the old vet and can be seen yelling at him on the sidelines. Fans watching at home react with glee. Fans at Ford Field cheer loudly for Hanson, by and large the only player on the Lions roster worthy of fan respect.
Quinn throws a pick to Louis Delmas in Browns territory. Delmas returns to the 10-yard line. Stafford finds his favorite red zone target, Will Heller, on a nicely threaded pass to cut the deficit to 14-10. Lions have the momentum, but fans know better than to get too excited. A big gaffe is looming.

Detroit has the ball with less than a minute and half to go at the Browns 45-yard line. Stafford has plenty of time to work his team into position for a chance at a game-winning TD. On 3rd-and-8 from the Cleveland 24-yard line, Rogers jumps the snap count with absolute perfect timing and disrupts the exchange between Dominic Raiola and Stafford. And Rogers recovers the fumble. Ball game, Cleveland wins.

Lions fans laugh it off as another karmic bitch slap in the face.