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Matt Millen and the Lions have been asking we long suffering fans the following question in their newest marketing campaign.
“Do you believe in now?”
If I’m to believe in the Lions, what else would I have to believe in?
I believe in the soul, the cock, the pussy, the small of a woman’s back, the hanging curve ball, high fiber, good scotch, that the novels of Susan Sontag are self-indulgent, overrated crap. I believe Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone. I believe there ought to be a constitutional amendment outlawing Astroturf and the designated hitter. I believe in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve and I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days.
Wait a sec. My bad, I’m sorry, that’s what Crash Davis believes in. Not that it’s a bad belief set…
So just what else would I believe if I were to believe in the Detroit Lions?
- Santa Claus.
- The Easter Bunny.
- The Snow Miser and the Heat Miser.
- That Bumbles bounce.
- The Hills is a quality TV show.
- So is Celebrity Rehab.
- And everything else broadcast on VH1 and MTV.
- Newspapers remain a viable alternative for sports opinion.
- “Saw,” and every one of its sequels, were worthy of Oscar nominations.
- Todd Jones is a hall of fame closer.
- The Pistons would welcome Ron Artest with open arms.
- Rob Parker is Pulitzer Prize worthy columnist.
- Dane Cook is funny.
- Tara Reid is hot.
- John Madden isn’t mailing it in.
- A Wham! Reunion tour would be a wonderful idea.
- Scott Mitchell was the best Lions QB ever.
- Wayne Fontes wasn’t making it up as he went along.
- Jon Kitna is actually a Satanist.
- Mike Williams got a raw deal.
- So did Charles Rogers.
- And Joey Harrington.
- William Clay Ford cares about the fans.
- Rod Marinelli isn’t in over his head.
- Matt Millen knows EXACTLY what he’s doing.
- Those strange voices I hear in my head are a good thing.
That’s what I’d have to believe in if I were to also believe in NOW.